Because I'm terrible at communicating with friends and family I quasi-periodically write a long email
about something I've been up to recently. By request of my lovely mother I'm putting some of these on
this website...
Dear All,
I know this email comes as a shock to most of you, I have been REALLY bad at commmunicating for the
last few months. I plead ignorance of german keyboards - I now have an english one which the poor
electronics guy Martin in the group had to spend an hour wiring for me! OK, so that excuse is not so good - I
just had 6 weeks back in Australia. They kinda speak english, and their keyboards only have special keys for
the letter "a", because in Autralian its pronounced "i", as in Brisbane = Brizbin.
The first 2 weeks back in Oz I was up the coast with my family. I then had 24hrs in my hometown
Toowoomba (pronounced in the orignal aboriginal language "Tinylittlerednecktown"). You can see all the
sights of T'mba in 24 hrs several times over. From there I had a very short stop in Brisbane, followed by a
few weeks in Sydney (working/conference) followed by a workshop on the beach in Cooloongatta
(pronounced in the original aboriginal language "Crappysurfbuthatsavesthesillyyankeesfromdrowning").
Now I'm back in Vienna, which is having the warmest winter in 100 years. 101 years ago it was actually a
blazing hot, beach getaway filled with drunken Germans from Hamburg (or is that the Costa de Sol??).
I've just moved offices across the road: from the Schrodinger Institute to the Experimentalphysik Institute, in
order to be closer to the group. I now share an office with a Yugoslavian postdoc Caslav. I am currently
learning to speak german with an australian-yugoslavian-viennese accent. Fortunately Caslav and I agree
that the whole male/female/neuter thing is ridiculous, and we assign every noun the feminine definite article
"dee" in order to be as affirmitavely actionable as possible. Dee problem is that dee only people who will
understand us are dee other foreigners in the group.
What can I tell you about Vienna?
Well its pretty with lots of old buildings. So is Paris. But we win coz we dont have french people. There are
very pretty vinyards in the hills on the edge of town (20 mins by tram) that sell great wine, but forget to tell
you when the last tram home is leaving, and then proceed to let you walk down the wrong side of the
mountain.
Then of course, there are the coffee shops. Everyone knows about the coffee shops. In Vienna you go into a
coffee shop, sit down and order coffee, and this then entitles you to stay in that couch for exactly 8 hours
with no further purchases. Smart backpackers have worked out that for the price of 3 cups of coffee a day
they can have a home and three cups of coffee a day to chew on. Smarter backpackers have realized that
for the price of 3 cups of coffee a day they can get one of the Hilton's slightly cheaper rooms. Clearly the
reasoning behind the 8 hour rule is that the global economy might shift considerably in 8 hours, the Austrian
Schilling could devalue, your salary might rise accordingly and you therefore might somehow be able to
afford the bill. Depending on the demographics of the particular shop there may be someone playing music
(Mozart played in the one down the road from me), people playing cards or chess, people talking and arguing
with other people they cant even see through the smoke. Once I saw a group of theatre students push aside
tables and perform a short play in front of everyone. Wonderful atmosphere. And what everyone neglects to
tell you is the dark side of the 8 hour rule. In a Viennese coffee shop you are absolutely obligated to stay a
minimum of three hours. After bringing you your coffee, dressed in his wonderfully starched tuxedo, your
waiter will categorically refuse to acknowledge your presence again for the next three hours. Now no-one in
their right mind would actually be attempting to order a second cup of coffee. I imagine that if you did the
whole managment of the shop would be forced into an apoplexy of introspection regarding their inability to
make the coffee strong enough to keep you going for 8 hours. You certainly would not leave the shop alive,
they could not let you out to tell you friends about the weak-coffee Coffee Shop. However on the odd
occasion that you actually have other business to perform, no amount of standing on your table and yelling at
the top of your voicewill attract your waiters attention. The customers think you're entertaining them and
comment on how you could better your performance. I have finally solved the problem however. I just walk
out and go back 8 hours later to pay the bill. My chair is always still free: buying coffee is a sacred lease of
real estate. At this very instant I have outstanding bills in three shops and a caffeine count higher than a
bulgarian weightlifter. Well thats enough of my nonsense,
Regards
Tez
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